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10 Poems For My Brother

by Seamus Kirkpatrick

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1.
it's still hard to swallow the last words that you said i hope you feel ashamed dull and washed out colours shimmer through my head it still feels like a dream and i stood in the yard and i cried and i asked you to stay and you cried and looked tired and you walked away and you never looked back but i swore that you smiled brother i tried i wanna leave this town i wanna leave this town and out near the church where the stone flowers grow where we buried you under the ghost gum and dad wouldn't come and everyone watched me but i couldn't cry brother i tried i wanna leave this town i wanna leave this town now when the wind blows dusty dry and dead i miss you in my bones i still see the twisted metal like a giant carcass spread i feel so alone and i stood in the yard and i cried and you wouldn't stay and you cried and looked tired and you turned away and you never looked back but i swore that you smiled brother i tried i wanna leave this town i wanna leave this town i wanna leave this town
2.
look at this rambling slurring mess look at these drunken blood shot eyes i know him i confess but i can't remember where his heart lies lifting the bottle to his chin breathing out and drinking in the world is huge and he's afraid of all the hurt that he has made and i want know where promises are buried when they go and everybody tries but you can't forever hang your head or forever hide your eyes and it hurts less when i'm stoned and nothing matters when i'm pissed all the lies that i was told and all the shitheads that i miss there'll be another one to drink til i can't see and i can't think til i can't see you standing there in the garden by the stairs and i want know where promises are buried when they go and everybody tries but you can't forever hang your head or forever hide your eyes
3.
4.
5.
today dad started talking we were sitting at breakfast and he said your name today dad started talking dad started talking he asked me what i knew i said you never told me anything said that you never liked talking saturday it was a saturday it was a saturday and we talked he said he never understood you and why you were so angry and why you liked to do the things you did and he hoped i didn't blame him now that you were gone and no one could explain the thing you did it was a saturday it was a saturday was a saturday and we talked and i sat and i was quiet and my breakfast turned to mush and i didn't know where to look or what to do and then it got too hard and there was nothing else to say so i said yeah dad, i love you too. was a saturday was a saturday was a saturday and we talked was a saturday was a saturday was a saturday and we talked about you
6.
7.
it's so quiet it's so still everything's suspended i can hear my breath i'm not tired i've no guilt i know nothing really ended when you laughed to death when i raise up my hands i swear i can feel the space i can feel the space like a ball and i hear to the curve of the horizon i can hear it hear it all and you fell in the face of impossible demands like a fire in a fog half a boy and half a man it's so quiet it's so still everything's suspended i can hear my breath and you fell in the face of impossible demands with your heart in the world and your feet snared in the land i'm not tired i've no guilt i know nothing really ended when you laughed to death when i raise up my hands i swear i can see your face colours and the shapes see it all and i feel time roar at the horizons hold it in my arms like a ball it's so quiet it's so still everyone is leaving they're all bored to death
8.
I Can Change 03:37
it's so quiet it's so still everything's suspended I can hear my breath i'm not tired i've no guilt I know nothing really ended when you laughed to death when I raise up my hands I swear I can feel the space I can feel space like a ball and I hear . . to the curve of the horizon I can hear it hear it all And we fall In the face Of impossible demands Like a fire In a fog Half a boy and half a man it's so quiet it's so still everything's suspended I can hear my breath And you fell In the face Of impossible demands With a heart In the world And your feet snared in the land i'm not tired i've no guilt I know nothing really ended when you laughed to death when I raise up my hands I swear I can see your face colours and the shapes See it all and I feel time roar at the horizons hold it in my arms like a ball it's so quiet it's so still everyone is leaving they're all bored to death
9.
when i woke up i nearly cried cause that last part of you was gone i couldn’t hear your voice inside my head i couldn’t hear your songs from outside sun came hurling in instead of claustrophobic night first time in months that i felt hinged first time i didn’t wake in fright i don’t miss you so bad that i can’t sleep i don’t miss you so bad that i don’t eat i don’t miss you that much anymore shed wasn’t where you used to hang garden not where i heard your last words wandered up to the paddock and the tank couldn’t think for the crickets and the birds i don’t miss you so bad that i can’t sleep i don’t miss you so bad that i don’t eat i don’t miss you that much anymore choices are really hard but i think mine are made  pitch a tent in the yard make you proud i stayed i don’t miss you so bad that i can’t sleep i don’t miss you so bad that i don’t eat i don't miss you i'll always love you but you just hurt too much i don’t miss you that much anymore
10.
i don’t have faith in friends or blood not disaffected don’t need miracle drugs everything is meat in the hard blue light from family to those you don’t know but i am so in love today and it’s not the type of love that fades everytime i breathe you there is a kick in my heart and deep inside my soul i ache aeroplanes  land far away that’s not how i’m made i will stay  aeroplanes  land far away that’s not how i’m made i will stay deep under my feet in the red hot earth there are creatures that are older than time and the moments that they stir there are shudders underfoot and the grey stone breathes and grinds and if you listen hard you can hear the weeping of a desert that’s been left to die i can’t walk away from this brutalised country and i can’t explain so don’t ask why aeroplanes  land far away that’s not how i’m made i will stay  aeroplanes  land far away that’s not how i’m made i will stay if you can’t feel it you can’t know it carve yourself down your centre line present the raw meat to the sky to the horizon to the dirt let the land rush in let it fill you pack you like grass and feather fill you with fecund life don’t panic or fight as you swell flesh ruptures borders overrun be consumed the country is in pain run mongrel and run wild as you ache for it it grieves for you it wants to go home and you need to know home home is country country is home lie down two halves twitching raw and wide let the small creatures dine on this  this you let you body dissolve into  great puddles the keepers will feast the trees will drink and you will be home you will be home be home home be home home aeroplanes  land far away that’s not how i’m made i will stay  aeroplanes  land far away that’s not how i’m made i will stay 

about

10 Poems For My Brother is a song cycle about a kid growing up in rural Australia whose big brother commits suicide and how he reconciles with his family, himself and country.

credits

released April 30, 2020

All words and music by Seamus Kirkpatrick.
Recorded by Seamus Kirkpatrick.
Produced by Seamus Kirkpatrick with Ben Stewart.
Thanks to Ben Stewart, Alan Richardson, Rob Maric, Jake Connor-Moss, Imraan Paleker, Lauren Crick, Emma Wilson, Maggie Steele, Louise Gill and Selina Tannenberg.

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about

Seamus Kirkpatrick Brisbane, Australia

Seamus Kirkpatrick is a Brisbane based musician, writer and educator.
This is a bit of a clearing house for various projects including demos, world music, pop and experimental albums.

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